Living in the Darkness

I have been alone for these last few days. It has given me the chance to actually sit back and analyze some things. I would get into things that I was not supposed to, handle situations in the wrong manner and expose myself to my darkest enemy. My darkest enemy is the way I think. That's the point. I have gotten to the point where I do not think about what I'm doing before I do it. I almost feel careless. It does not matter anything about what anyone else thinks. I am going to do what Jordan wants to do. That was a big mistake for me. Ever since my Dad passed away a year and a half ago I feel like there is no one else that can tell me what to do. No matter what the situation is, I am going to do what I want. Here in the past hour of writing this blog I sat down and thought about what I have done. I thought about every little thing that has happened. I realized that I should not have done it and it was the wrong thing to do. Although someone might see the situation in which I done the "wrong thing" I can see that I shouldn't have done it to begin with and I want to correct it. I know what I done. I take all the blame for it. The thing is, you are not going to be able to see in me that I do clearly apologize. All you are going to see is what I done. That is what makes me look back and see that I was clearly responsible for my actions and to know that if I were to get blindfolded and beaten in the dark that no one would be there to save me. I want to take back and apologize for everything that I have done in the most respectful way as possible. Then again it almost seems impossible to do everything the way it should be done. I feel like I have closed everyone's eyes and damaged a part of their lives, then covered it up to act like it never happened, when in fact, it did happen and it really hasn't been fixed the proper way. I now feel like I need to live in the darkness for a change. I want to give everyone the chance to cover up my eyes and take back all the things that I took away. I'm so covered up in all of this mess I do not think I have enough strength to give it back to you. You have to come get it. I want to go into a fantasy land, close my eyes, and in the most smooth and softest way possible, dance my life away. I do not want to be felt sorry for. I want to be punished for the damage I have done. I lost my mom when I was 10 months old. My dad passed away a short while ago. I feel somewhat like I am the only one in my family that is truly going to make it somewhere in life, yet I have had to go down a road harder than anyone else. Everyone in this world always wants someone to feel sorry for them, give them what they want, then run off and you never see them again. I never talk about the passing of my parents unless someone else brings it up, because I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me. I want to be able to prove to everyone that no matter what you go through on your life that God is there and he put you on this planet for a reason. God has a plan and a view for everyone. You just have to accept the invitation to see it, which is what a lot of people these days fail to do. It doesn't make sense to me. Everyone wants to live a good and happy life. Everyone wants to take the easy road out. But yet, knowing that God is the answer, he is the one you refuse to go to, to get the answers you need. I have this feeling that there is so much more to say. I am going to end this blog with you to finish it yourself... God Bless,